This is the story of Linda’s struggle with her perfectionist self, juggling the roles of a mother and wife alongside her role as an employee and colleague in a demanding job.
For Linda, the trigger that generated stress was the combination of work and parenting, as well as her own approach to life: “Work was always my way of self-realization. When I had children later in life, I was so used to working hard that I forgot to slow down and make space for my kids. They were sort of added on, because I was giving my all to my work, so it all piled up. Also, due to my perfectionist nature, it was difficult for me to find a good balance; I wanted to be a perfect employee and a perfect mother, and I was completely forgetting about myself.”
How did you notice that burnout was gradually developing? How did you recognize your breaking point? Linda didn’t realize anything was wrong with her at first. She did notice that she wasn’t feeling well: “I had two consecutive henias, even though I had never been sick before, and my body had never let me down before. Later, I learned that hernias are called ‘physical burnout’ by some people. I think there’s some truth to that for me. I just didn’t listen to my body and stayed trapped in my mind. I literally ignored the signals my body had been giving me all that time.”
Linda eventually ended up sleeping only 2 to 4 hours a night, constantly had headaches, struggled with concentration, and even bumped into door frames. She started working fewer days, which led her to work longer hours just to get everything done. This made her nights even shorter – a vicious cycle.
“At one point, I got sick with minor flu. I had reported sick and once I felt better, I checked in again, but my workplace forgot to update my status. So, I received a standard invitation to see the company doctor. On a whim, I went there to explain the misunderstanding. But the company doctor clearly had a different opinion: after listening to my story, she sent me home and put me on sick leave for a longer period. I was furious: there wasn’t anything wrong with me!? When I told my husband, he exploded: he had tolerated me not taking myself seriously for years, but when our children began to be affected and kept asking when mom would come home, he drew the line. Those words hit me hard. I spent a whole day just staring in the distance, facing my own problem.” That was the start of Linda’s acceptance and subsequently her healing process.
“I discovered my own user manual, which now helps me to stay balanced.”
“I didn’t work for a total of 5 weeks, and then I cautiously began to reintegrate again. It took me about a year before I fully recovered. Fortunately, I never became the person I was before the burnout! The burnout positively influenced my life. I haven’t changed, but I’ve become much wiser. I discovered my own user manual, which now helps me to stay balanced. So, in hindsight, I can say the burnout was a gift: a gift from my body to my mind, to be precise. Because by collapsing, my body forced me out of my mind and into my body.”
The quote, “I stand still, and that is progress,” helped me immensely during that time.
Linda faced numerous challenges she had to overcome. “It was really difficult for me to go through the different phases: first acceptance, then healing and reintegration, and then picking up ‘normal life’ again, which wasn’t ‘normal’ to me anymore.” Before Linda could truly accept that things weren’t going well and that it was okay, she had to navigate through a lot of anger, powerlessness, guilt, and frustration. Once in the acceptance phase, things improved: “Finally, I could surrender and start to feel again. The quote, ‘I stand still, and that is progress,’ helped me immensely during that time.”
“I felt there’s a huge taboo around burnout, even still. I noticed I was resisting the diagnosis myself. I felt ashamed, like I had failed.”
Discussing burnout symptoms isn’t generally easy. Shame plays a significant role in this. “I felt there’s a huge taboo around burnout, even still up to today. I noticed I was resisting the diagnosis myself. I felt ashamed, like I had failed. Only when I read that hardworking and overly involved individuals often experience burnout symptoms, I dared to accept it and work on it. After my reintegration, I even gave a presentation to my colleagues about my journey to break the stigma in the workplace. I received a flood of positive responses, which made me feel proud. So, I not only learned from my burnout, but I also helped a few other people.”
What were the most significant lessons Linda learned during her recovery process? What helped her to heal and regain health? “It’s not the load that breaks you down, it’s the way you carry it!’ This is the most important insight I gained during my recovery process. I thought I was failing because I couldn’t handle the workload assigned to me. But now I learned it wasn’t about the weight of the burden, but how I carried it. By not considering my own well-being and working continuously without breaks, I ended up working slower than when I took regular breaks to recharge and gain new energy. Cycling and walking in nature gave me the best ideas, allowing me to work with more focus and satisfaction afterward, and still have time to eat with my children and go to bed on time. That was a real eye-opener! It’s really like they tell you on an airplane: Put your own mask on first before helping your child (and colleagues).”
Linda wants to share this tip with everyone, “Make a list of all the beliefs that limit you, like ‘the only way is up,’ which makes you always want to give your all, or ‘my house must always be clean to receive guests,’ or ‘I must be a perfect parent and employee.’ Then, turn these limiting beliefs around: why wouldn’t life be valuable when it’s a little less perfect? Perhaps you learn the most from these times. Or: if I don’t tidy up my house once, my friends will realize I’m human, and not the perfect facade I always put up. By showing vulnerability, the most meaningful conversations and experiences arise.”
“This process is ongoing, and you might relapse a hundred times, but that’s okay. The ‘consciously incompetent’ phase is the hardest to shift to ‘consciously competent’ and then ‘unconsciously competent.’ This might take years, but that’s alright. Now, I quickly realize if I’m falling into a limiting belief and can redirect my thoughts much faster than before. And sometimes it doesn’t work, and that’s okay too. Now, I can allow myself to be the old perfect me’ for a moment, laugh about it with my children when I go through the house like a whirlwind to straighten everything, and then enjoy the Perfect Picture for an hour and then return to my own messy, happy life.”
An additional tip: “Listen to your body, because it tells you exactly how you’re doing. And take good care of yourself because you’re often your own harshest critic”.
Note: The name Linda is a pseudonym to protect her privacy. Her real name is known to the editorial team.
